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READ: Mark 10:1
CHALLENGE: Work on Your Marriage
Jay Adams, a famous Christian counselor, said that the first rule of the Christian home is that sinners live there. We are not perfect. If you have blown it is some area in the past, we’re not here to pick on you for that. We’re here to work on where you are now and keep you moving forward.
I have witnessed Christians involved in this ministry having solid marriages. So, even experience teaches that following Jesus dramatically impacts your life and improves your marriage.
- OPEN YOUR HEART
10:1-4 – Jesus then left that place and went into the region of Judea and across the Jordan. Again crowds of people came to him, and as was his custom, he taught them. 2 Some Pharisees came and tested him by asking, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?” 3 “What did Moses command you?” he replied. 4 They said, “Moses permitted a man to write a certificate of divorce and send her away.” 5 “It was because your hearts were hard that Moses wrote you this law,” Jesus replied.
They want to “test” Jesus. They were just trying to trap him in something controversial, so they pitch him this hot potato topic to test him.
When the Gospels say the Pharisees came and “tested” (or “tempted”) Jesus, it means they were trying to trap, trick, or discredit Him rather than learn from Him. They often asked “yes-or-no” or controversial questions (like paying taxes to Caesar or laws about divorce) designed to force Jesus to break either Jewish law or Roman law, giving them grounds to arrest or discredit Him.
The question is intended to be divisive because no matter how you answered it, part of the crowd would object depending on which school of thought they adhered to. It was very polarizing just like many things are today.
Is it lawful to divorce your wife? Yes or no? The question is much deeper than yes or no because it’s yes or no depending. In one of the passages, it says, “can a man divorce his wife for any and every reason”? The one school of thought was that marriage was permanent with the exception of immorality. Another was that you could divorce your wife for any and every reason.
Ancient Jewish schools debated the term. The strict school of Shammai taught it meant sexual immorality or unchastity (short of adultery, which carried the death penalty). The lenient school of Hillel taught it could mean almost anything that displeased the husband, such as spoiling a meal.
And in those days, you didn’t have to go to court. You just handed her divorce papers because you wanted to. Hey wife, you didn’t get the beets canned, I don’t know what to tell you! We just can’t be together. It’s not working out. I never loved you. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard that said by people and I know it’s not true. They could divorce over cooking or anything. Their value of marriage was very lax.
How did Jesus answer? He put the question back to them. What did Moses command you? Now, in their world, Moses was the most authoritative voice. The 10 Commandments came through Him. He led the children Israel out of Egypt and to the brink of the Promised Land. Since he would be considered one of their heroes and most respected sources, Jesus wanted to know what their hero said. He doesn’t answer the question, he asks a question pointing them back to the Bible. Jesus isn’t interested in a Rabbinic line of opinion, he wants to know what the Bible says.
They responded by saying that Moses permitted a man to write a certificate of divorce and to send her away. What is their take? Their take is that Moses is OK with divorce. He permitted it. There are no boundaries. Yeah, he said it was just OK.
What is the meaning of the word, “permitted”. Does this mean that divorce was the accepted solution to garden variety marriage problems? It became that. They seem to be using Moses as the justification for it. Often times they divorced because they found greener grass. It was that simple.
Moses permitting it was a stretch as you ponder what the Bible actually teaches.
(trans) What did Moses actually say?
Deuteronomy 24:1 – If a man marries a woman who becomes displeasing to him because he finds something indecent about her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce, gives it to her and sends her from his house,
What does that mean? She becomes displeasing because he finds something indecent. This doesn’t sound like a minor thing. The definition referred to nakedness which gives the idea that this refers to some type of sexual sin. It was most likely short of adultery, but something inappropriate. They turned the word “indecent” into meaning displeasing for any reason.
Jesus aligns with the stronger position in Matthew 19.
Matthew 19:8-9 – Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. 9 I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.”
Jesus points out here that there was some type of unfaithfulness involved. This is one of the clear exceptions to divorce in the Bible. They cheated on you.
Jesus responds that Moses was not absolutely cool with it. Jesus said that Moses allowed it because your hearts were hard, but it was not what God wanted. The real start of marriage problems was hard heartedness rather than irreconcilable differences.
Hardness of heart happens when you are repeatedly unreceptive to God’s will. Or in this case, repeatedly unreceptive to your spouse.
There could be unmet expectations so you get frustrated and then angry which crystalizes inter bitterness and deep resentment. Bitterness is a very destructive force and should be avoided.
Hebrews 12:14-15 – Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. 15 See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.
What the Bible teaches is that no bitter root be allowed to grow in your heart. It’s going to cause trouble for you and those around you and it’s going to defile many. Your words will become venomous! Your objectivity would be highly questionable at that point.
On a scale of 1-10, how bitter are you? And if you’re bitter, what can you do about it? You don’t want to continue on that path. Bitterness about life or others will do you absolutely no good. It’s spiritual acid and it’s corrosive to your soul. Get it out of there through forgiveness and focusing on positives.
Love covers a multitude of sins. Let it go. I talked to a gal and she was so mad at her husband because he wasn’t there for her. Out of curiosity I asked, “How long ago was that”? She said, “Fifteen years ago”. Here’s a good question, “Why is that still on your radar”? My goodness, when you have to go back fifteen years for a complaint, I might think they’re a saint!
Hardness results from not doing the right thing over and over or from ignoring the Holy Spirit over and over. Hardness can come from not dealing with things.
So, have I seen marriages come apart because of hard hearts? No pliability or flexibility? Yes. I have experienced this where you just don’t know what else to say or do. No amount of wise counsel resolves anything. I sit back at those times and think like Moses. Some divorces occur because of our sinful humanity and hardness of heart.
So, Jesus gets to the root of the problem and that is a hard heart. So, we want to keep our hearts open to each other. You don’t want to close your heart to others because if you do, you’re going to be headed to broken relationships.
Typically, when you’re working on a marriage problem, someone has to take a chance. No risk no reward. Yes, you could get hurt again but there’s also the reward of being stronger than ever. Nothing happens without an open heart.
- UNDERSTAND THE BLUEPRINT OF MARRIAGE
Vv6-9 – “But at the beginning of creation God ‘made them male and female.’[a] 7 ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife,[b] 8 and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one flesh. 9 Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”
God has some say on marriage because he made us. We’re not the same because we’re male and female. One wedding vow I have not done is the one where guys promise to cry with their wives. It’s just preference – cry all you wan’t guys. But that’s not who I am and I suspect many of us aren’t. Guys and girls are different and it’s good to understand that.
This passage lays out the blueprint for your marriage
- Prioritize
The Bible teaches that you leave mom and dad and be united to your wife. Before you can cleave, you’ve got to leave!! And that means your spouse is more of a priority than any other human relationship. Parents are important but they are not AS important. Sorry mom and dad.
The husband and wife relationship even takes precedence over that with your children who will eventually fly the coup. I know it’s busy and you give yourself to your children. You have sports or 4H or fair or homework. Then there’s laundry and cooking and cleaning and conversations and it’s easy to neglect relating. Your main human is your spouse.
And much of what we did when my children growing up was as a family. Truly. But Jeri and I have spent a lot of time together as well and you have to focus on it. It’s you guys against the world. You don’t want to lose sight of your spouse because you’re exerting all of your energy on your children.
- Commitment
One important aspect of marriage is the concept of commitment. You have to throw the word “divorce” out of your vocabulary.
To “be united” means to be absolutely attached to each other. It’s like the scales of a crocodile. They aren’t made to come apart. It’s like welding things together. They are one piece.
My son had a firepit grate made for us. He had someone at his work fabricate it and they put it together piece by piece. We actually bought 2 long pieces of steel and they cut it as needed and made the grate. The cool thing is that now it’s one piece. It’s not meant to be multiple pieces.
The same is true of marriage. We are one piece and that means that we were not meant to come apart. Commit to sticking together. The vows of marriage go along the lines of for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health until death do us part. This helps us to realize that we are to stick together through thick and thin.
I’ve often thought of divorce as bulldozing the house. You don’t bulldoze the house down because the roof is leaky. You fix the roof.
Fixing your relationship is possible. One of the things is that you have to inspire hope that it can be done.
- Unity
The Bible teaches that the two will become one. We are one person and that requires a lot of teamwork.
The simple thought is that if you’re doing something that creates distance, stop doing it. You don’t want to drive wedges in your relationship.
I’ve seen where people drink and they do it even when their spouse hates it. Why would you do that? I don’t want to do anything that hurts my spouse. Is there anything you’re doing that’s causing problems? Gambling? Porn? Anger? Never being around? What might it be? Perhaps this would be a good time to amend your ways.
Listening is important. In one communication book I read. It said that listening is not about understanding. It’s about responding. When they ask you to do or not to do something, listen. So if someone says you talk on the phone to your mom too much, stop calling mom so much.
When your wife communicates with you guys, turn up the volume! Sometimes I’ve seen couples with the concept that “you’re stuck with me”. Or they’ll say, I don’t need to listen to them because they are only my spouse. No, they are especially your spouse. Listen to them.
We’re no longer two but one! He’s made the two of us one and it’s so profound. What God has joined together, let no one separate. Don’t allow anyone to take you apart.
- Companionship
Let’s work on the companionship part. God put your together. He puts you together for his own purposes. He has reasons.
Genesis 2:18 – The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.
We learn here that the purpose of marriage is companionship. Saw an RV and it said, “Together is the best place to be”.
We need to work at being together. I’ve come to realize that even when you feel distant from your spouse, you need more time together, not less. Just spending time together often helps.
A married couple is a combination of strengths and weaknesses. Jeri is strong where I’m not.
Illustration
She sees how things go together better. She’s a good reader of people. I’m a golden retriever of people as I like nearly everyone. I appreciate her expertise and discernment. And whereas I’m a golden – she’s a German Shepherd and protective.
She’s far more cautious than I am. I am a much bigger risk taker. She’s certainly seen a lot more because of my adventurous ways. I remember one friend of mine said, “I don’t know if we should kayak because a storm’s coming”. I said, “We should go kayaking because a storm is coming”. That summer we got some epic photos. Storms. Crazy colors. Wind. Temp changes. Pink rain. It was an unforgettable year for all of us.
Let’s celebrate the differences. Part of maturity was realizing that her thinking differently than I did, made us a better team. We have to very much appreciate the differences. You’re not always going to think alike.
- BE FAITHFUL
Vv10-12 – When they were in the house again, the disciples asked Jesus about this. 11 He answered, “Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her. 12 And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery.”
The issue with the adultery is this. If you’re divorcing your wife because you found someone you think is “hotter” or better looking, you haven’t escaped the 10 commandments. You wouldn’t cheat, but you’d divorce so you could be with the other woman. Jesus is saying that you have not actually accomplished the mission because if God doesn’t see the bond as severed, then he would still count it as cheating.
They were using divorce to legalize adultery so Jesus was working on some warped “religious” types who were trying to find loopholes so that they really didn’t have to obey anyone.
We learn here that faithfulness is so important to marriage.
Malachi 2:14 – You ask, “Why?” It is because the Lord is the witness between you and the wife of your youth. You have been unfaithful to her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant.
We cannot be unfaithful. We should look at them and they are the most important person in our lives. Cherish them!
There is a lot of temptation so some advice.
- Don’t ignore intimacy, it’s important.
- Have boundaries with the opposite sex
- Yes, I have to communicate with other women. And it’s about church or football. It’s fine. You just can’t be in touch with someone all the time. You don’t want to build that emotional bridge because that’s when it gets really dangerous.
OPEN YOUR HEART / UNDERSTAND GOD’S BLUEPRINT / BE FAITHFUL